Tuesday, December 31, 2019

#311219

When you invite a person into your mind, you allow them some reigns over your emotions.
I kind of... dislike that.
Because if you invite the wrong person, whether you want to or not, you will be hurt.
When you get close to someone, there bound to be fights, and I'm not fan of that.

I keep asking myself, how can I be sure that the person I let in won't hurt me?

And I realized something.
I don't.
It's a gamble we all have to take, initially.
I can't know unless I try.
But if I close myself off out of fear, then I'll never find what I need either.
If I am truly happy with just my own company, that's also fine.
But am I?

So, am I ready to take the step of re-opening myself up to another person?
and see if he's worth the risks?

Saturday, December 21, 2019

#211219

Berbulan-bulan telah kita berdoa dan berusaha sehingga terkuras seluruh tenaga yang ada. Namun Tuhan masih belum beri apa yang kita minta. Lalu kita terus berputus asa, kecewa dan mula berburuk sangka. Kita fikir Tuhan tak sayang kita. Tuhan tak peduli dan tidak juga kasihan.

Seolah-olah kitalah yang lebih tahu baik buruknya sesuatu perkara dan keadaan. Seolah-olah doa kitalah yang paling mustajab untuk terus diperkenankan. Seolah-olah usaha kitalah yang paling jitu untuk segera diangkat ke sisi Tuhan.

Bukan berdoa itu juga satu bentuk kasih sayang Tuhan kepada kita? Bukankah setiap lafaz doa dan lintasan hati yang baik-baik itu semuanya berpahala? Semakin lama dan berterusan kita berdoa, maka semakin banyaklah juga catatan pahala sebagai bekalan untuk kita nanti di sana.

Semoga sifat ketidaksabaran tidak menjadi asbab Tuhan tinggalkan kita, walaupun hanya untuk sekelip mata lamanya.

Sunday, December 8, 2019

#081219

A remembrance of an ache.
For the way things were, the things that were. Now, I don't even want to remember those things, who does? But I do remember the ache I used to get when I used to think of those things, those ways. When I miss those things, those ways. I haven't been good at letting go. Just once more, just the once. That flutter in my heart, the tightening of breath. But I know it'll never stop. When it's there, it'll be there. If I get it once, I'll want it again. Or I'll want the fantasy version of what I know I shouldn't repeat. The ache has gone, the memory remains. Nostalgia is one hell of a drug. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

#271119

"You know what's the best thing about growing up?
Maturity. It amazes me all the time".

"Okay then, but how do you define a matured person?"

"Those who know how to handle simple things in life. Because if you can't handle simple things in life, how can you manage to handle much bigger things?"





Saturday, October 19, 2019

#191019

Kita hidup di zaman media sosial sebagai carta paling atas dalam hidup manusia sekarang.

Melalui media sosial kita boleh "sneak peek" hidup orang lain, kan?

Lepas tu mula la kita bandingkan hidup kita dengan hidup orang lain. Kita tengok hidup orang lain sempurna, macam takde masalah langsung. Well, tell me, siapa je nak tunjuk yang dia tengah hidup miserable? Kebiasaannya orang akan tunjuk yang indah2 je kat media sosial.

Tapi kenapa kita nk iri hati? Nampak orang bahagia, kita doakan yang baik-baik jela. Hati busuk kita ni kalau boleh tak payah la tunjuk kat orang. Buruk. Biar kita dengan Tuhan je tahu, dan diam-diam berusaha wangikan balik hati tu, okay?

Tiada manusia yang sempurna, tapi bahagia tu inshaaAllah, boleh je dapat. Kalau kita belajar untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada.

Contentment is one of the greatest feeling we can feel.

Saturday, September 28, 2019

#280919

Mungkin kita belum jumpa apa yang kita cari,
sebab kita belum cari apa yang kita sepatutnya jumpa.

Tapi macam mana kalau kita pun tak tahu kita cari apa sebenarnya?

Dear life,
I'm perplexing and you definitely got the element of surprise bursting here and there.

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

#12:40

She said,

"Dear you, when I found you, you were in hundred pieces. Give or take. I didn't try to fix you or put you back together. You are fine the way you are. If broken is how I found you, broken is how I will love you"

Thank you for not hating me when I hated myself.

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Disheveled

At times, some words stick. I mean, I know this word. I've never used it in a conversation but yes, I know it.

Then one morning, while I'm still trying to run the sleep out of my eyes, it comes to me. Maybe I dream of something, I don't know. And it sticks, and it doesn't go away. One day, two days, a week. It stays in my mind.

Disheveled.
Is it because that's how our life is? It's not flawless, it's not a straight line, it's not a jog around the park. It's messy, and untidy and altogether so grown up. I'm no longer a child, yet I refuse to accept it. What am I then? I've never really introspected it. I feel like I've done everything the wrong way around my entire life. Acted too old in childhood, too mature in teenage and now I behave like a child. I did this when I should have done that. And the other way round.

I've locked myself quite a long time and thrown away the key. It's been a while I had a decent, witty, interesting conversation with people. I don't even know how to talk anymore. Is it too early for a mid life crisis? or too late? I never know.

Anything, I'm never sure. It's a consequence of knowing that "one can't know everything". And yet, obliviously confident people thrive. Not an iota of self-doubt though. My ability to hide is diminishing. And the shittiest part is that I'm not actually lacking for anything. Everything's fine. It really is. It's just not joyful anymore.

How would I invigorate myself when I have so fully sunk into inertia? I feel I have forgotten to talk, to chat, to write and to flirt maybe? ehe..kidding...or I'm not?

Inertia leads to regression. Hopelessness. How do I fight that? How do I not give up?
Arise, awaken, but how?

Growth is so painful, staying here even more so. Weep for the years lost, yet know that I will weep more for the years to come.

Guide me, teach me.
For God's sake, inspire me.

Friday, September 6, 2019

Things we can see only when we slow down

There are absolutely countless of things that we can see, appreciate, and be grateful for, only when we slow down.

Hidup ni tak pernah berhenti,
just like time
it never stops.

But so does our heart
and desires
and exprectations
and hopes

And maybe that's why we always wonder,
"why am I not yet blessed?"
Sedangkan banyak sekali kurniaan Tuhan yang telah kita nikmati,
but we failed to see them.

Maybe we should just take a little time to ponder
how today has been a blessing
from the moment we open our eyes this morning
up till this very moment.
I'm sure there's a lot of them.
For starter, we being alive is one thing.

Regardless how nonsensical thing is at this moment,
there are always something to be thankful for.
Why am I so sure of that?
Sebab Allah Maha Baik.
Maha Memberi.
Amal kita banyak sekali lompongnya.
Ibadah kita apatah lagi.
Tapi kurniaanNya selalu sempurna.

And suddenly I'm thinking and question myself
have I been grateful for today?
Dah masuk jam ke 21 ni
tinggal lagi 3 jam nak masuk hari baru.
Have I sincerely say
"Alhamdulilah for what He blessed me with today?"

and it occurs to me
I haven't.
:(

How sad.

Monday, September 2, 2019

#0209






We often asked Allah for the best. But we get stress when He removed something from our lives. Part of our problem is that all too often, we assume that Allah is not meeting our needs or is holding back in some way. When in reality, He is meeting our needs, in His capacity - an all knowing one - instead of ours - a limited one. 

May every prayer of yours be granted, in a way better than the best you could hope for or imagine.

Saturday, August 31, 2019

#3108

Do I deserve to be this happy?

Why do I get this feeling that whenever something good happens, something bad will follow?

Sunday, August 18, 2019

#1808


لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله



How beautiful is it that we don't need to shoulder everything on our own?
I'm always reminded of this whenever I come across the above ayah.

It's only through admitting our powerlessness that we are unable to do anything without the help of Allah, that it stops us from over burdening ourselves with so much this life throws at us.

We don't have to have everything figured out.
Find comfort in knowing that we have Allah to carry us through.

If you ever find yourself going through hardship,
pain,
struggle,
or when you're stuck,
confused,
exhausted

recite the above ayah,
having full faith that Allah will help you through it all.

We are his 'abd.
And He is our Lord.
Part of being His slaves is embracing powerlessness.
True power isn't attained through statuses, it's attained  through humbling ourselves and placing all our worries in His Hand knowing He'll take care of everything.

Truly there is no might or power except with Allah.


Saturday, July 20, 2019

#207

It's not easy out there.
People are always saying you can't.
That you shouldn't.
That you're not smart enough, not good enough.
This world, it beats you up again and again until eventually you just stop trying. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Penawar

A friend needs some words.

Girl, apology I couldn't  write you anything back then.

******************************************************************

Perempuan adalah penawar.
And it is completely okay for the "penawar" to sometimes got poisoned because as much as she could heal others, she could always heal herself.

How?
Dengan berusaha menjadi perempuan yang disayang Tuhan.

One beautiful soul I know once said;
"kerja untuk bina balik diri sendiri tu adalah kerja diri sendiri"
-rh

You, my dear
are the best possible antidote for any known venom that invades yourself.

Till then,
selamat menjadi penawar untuk dunia dan untuk diri sendiri, wahai bunga.

And with that,
let the resuscitation begin.

#1607

Diam sebenarnya berkata-kata
Sunyi sebenarnya ada suara.

There is always enough light for those who want to see.

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

#0907

We all have our scars from loving someone too deeply.

From wanting to protect someone too much.

Friday, July 5, 2019

#0507

Aku ingin lapang seperti langit

Ikhlas dan tenang seperti udara

Aku ingin mencintaiMu seperti bunga-bunga yang gugur begitu saja

****************************

"Jika benarlah engkau mencintai Tuhan
maka bergembiralah dengan apa jua takdirNya"


Friday, June 14, 2019

#1406

Dan janganlah kita menjadi orang yang mempersoalkan kenapa orang ini dapat nikmat ini,
orang itu dapat nikmat yang itu.

We don't know what they've lost in their life
and how far they've been washed away in sorrow before.

Allah sentiasa tahu bagaimana memujuk hambaNya.
Let us not questioned Allah's way of comforting His servants.


Memaknai Syawal

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

#2905

Dan seberat mana pun ujian,
wanita harus mencari titik optimisnya.

Kenapa?
kerana wanita,
kerjanya ialah menguatkan jiwa.

Yang membuahkan harapan,
yang menyalakan kekuatan.

"Behind every great man stand a great woman"

Sorry, but this is proven.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Diari Ramdhan ii

Petang semalam singgah hospital, melawat sahabat yang diuji dengan sakit.
Tak sempat balik rumah untuk berbuka, berbuka tengah jalan.

Sebotol air mineral dan kurma.

Sunat untuk menyegerakan berbuka.
It means berbuka.
With anything. Tapi sunnah dengan kurma.
Sikit pun takpe.
Tak semestinya makan as in isi perut kenyang-kenyang as soon as possible.

Bersyukurlah kita boleh berbuka.
Ada benda nak makan.
Some people berlapar berhari-hari.
Some even died from malnutrition.

It doesn't really matter kita kenyang bila.
It's Ramadhan.
Kalau bulan ni pun kita macam mengempang nafsu instead of mendidik dan mengawal, bulan lain macam mana?
Yang penting kita usaha untuk buat amalan sunat; segerakan berbuka.
Even one or two dates would be enough. Or a sip of water.
Itu pun dikira kegembiraan ketika berbuka sebenarnya.
Tak semestinya ada special meal, air lawa-lawa sedap-sedap semua.

Sebenarnya Ramdhan ada banyak benda nak ajar kita.
Kita ja tak keen sangat nak belajar.
Banyak benda lain yang matters more.
Tapi of course la having a convenient meal feels awesome.
Cuma kalau macam tu selalu, kita jadi susah nak doakan orang-orang lain yang kelaparan dan takde makanan.
Sebab kita tak rasa.

Berbeza dengan orang tak dapat makan sebab kekangan masa dengan orang yang tak dapat makan sebab memang tak ada apa nak makan.
Pity them right?

Bukan semua beruntung.
Kita dah cukup beruntung.
Tapi bila last time kita bersyukur?
Bila last kita memberi?

Semua orang nak pahala banyak.
Nak Allah sayang.
Nak masuk syurga.

Tapi benda pahala syurga tu tak datang golek-golek dekat kita.
Kena usaha.
Ibadah ada banyak; tak dapat buat semua, jangan tinggal semua.

Kita kena balik kampung akhirat nanti ni.
And we gonna live there forever.
Di dunia ni la kita cari bekal. Bekal untuk hidup yang dah tak mati-mati lagi dah kat sana nanti.
Lama forever tu.
Mana cukup bawa bekal sikit-sikit.

Ramadhan ada banyak nak ajar kita.
Kita usaha la jadi lagi baik Ramadhan ni.
Allah sayang orang yang usaha nak jadi lebih baik.
Allah suka sangat orang yang berlumba-lumba buat kebaikan.


#30harimencaricinta








Tuesday, May 21, 2019

#2105

Kamu tahu,
pada tiap yang jatuh itu,
ada yang meminta secara senyap pada Tuhan untuk kita bangkit semula.

Kak Juan pernah cakap,
"Lain kali bagitahu la kalau sakit lagi. Jangan senyap je.."

Dan aku macam...
"Kenapa  kena bagitahu kalau tahu dia tak mampu buat apa-apa?"

Kak Juan marah, dia cakap "jangan realistik sangat boleh?"
Ehe

Lama aku fikir, kenapa?
Hari ni aku tahu, memang orang lain tak dapat bantu fizikal dan material, tapi sokongan mental dan doa dari orang lain penting juga sebenarnya.

Saturday, May 18, 2019

#1805

Human feels broken upon a loss.
We are vulnerable to the idea of losing any members of our heart.

And when that happens, yeah..part of us die.

And yes, we will never be prepared for a loss.

Everything is temporary,
including our life
but even on the very last moment of togetherness, we will never be prepared for the loss.

And yes,
losing a loved ones was, is and will never be easy.



Friday, May 17, 2019

Am I ready?

"Are you ready"

Seriously, banyak kali soalan ni muncul dalam kepala aku lately.

Aku ada tengok satu video dari Aiman Azlan pasal ready ke idok ni. Tapi on different topic la. Tapi still aku boleh relate.

Aiman cakap kalau kita duk tanya diri "ready dah ke" memang sampai ke sudah kita akan fikir kita tak ready. Instead, dia kata kita patut tanya, "are we prepared for that?"

Betul jugak tu. Bila kita tanya macam tu barulah kita boleh measure kita punya preparation kan?

So, Ijah..dah prepare ke nak keluar dari zon selesa?

I'm thinking to change my career. Tapi itulah, takut sebenarnya. Apa yang aku takut pun aku tak tahu.

Mungkin sebab fikir
"aku boleh ke buat kerja lain selain kerja ni?"
"fit ke aku untuk kerja tu?"
"selesa ke tak kerja tu?"
"suasana nanti macam mana?"
 "orang-orang kat sana nanti okay ke?

Haaaa....itulah antara sebab-sebab aku takut. Dia punya overthinking tu mashaAllah sangat kan. Belum apa-apa dah gelabah. Lahai.

Azam dah ada nak keluar dari zon selesa, tapi soalannya dah prepare ke??

Job hopping is not something easy kan?

Korang tolonglah doa semoga seorang Ijah ni diberi kekuatan untuk make up her mind.
She such a fickle minded person. Haru. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Diari Ramadhan i

Tadi masa solat tarawih, ada satu doa yang imam baca buat aku terfikir.

"Ya Allah, jadilah kami orang-orang yang sempurna imannya."

I heard that and I was like,
"Ya Rabbi, lemah dan kerdilnya kita sebagai manusia.

Kalau Allah tak izin, kita tak tahu pun benda yang kita tahu sekarang ni.
Jangan-jangan kita tak puasa pun. Tak solat semua..huuu

Sayu betul rasa.

Hidayah tu bukan kita punya.
Allah boleh tarik bila-bila masa.
Hari ni hati kita baik,
esok-esok nauzubillah Allah tarik hidayah,
hati kita dah tak baik mana dah.

Allah bagi rezeki untuk tahu sikit-sikit ilmu agama,
kita jadi riak, rasa hebat dengan diri sendiri.
Semua orang kita nak judge.
Asyik-asyik rasa kitalah paling balik, paling betul, paling elok amalnya.
Nauzubillahiminzaalik.
Betapa banyaknya lompong dalam iman kita...huuu

Betapa hebatnya orang yang sempurna imannya.

Jika iman itu berupa,bagaimanalah rupa iman kita ni pada pandangan Allah.


#30harimencaricinta

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Hadiah

Kita anak,
adalah hadiah dari Dia
kepada ibubapa.
Maka, kekalkan status hadiah itu.

Let's be a gift
that continuously giving
agar kita,
sekurang-kurangnya menjadi
salah satu saham mereka di akhirat.

Friday, May 10, 2019

Maafkan kami

Tuhan,
maaf jiwaku tidak cukup besar.
Hanya cakna tentang bazaar.
tapi tidak bahagia saudara yang diselar.

Maaf Ramadhan ku masih biasa-biasa,
sedang negaraku Kau jaga dari binasa.

Maaf qiamku masih kosong,
sedang sekelilingku tiada jeritan meminta tolong.

Maaf usahaku masih lemah,
belum menguatkan pemikiran ummah.

Palestin berdarah dan kian parah, 
Syria terlihat merah,
dan kami melihat
tanpa suara.

#0216

Jika pinta dan harapku berlebihan,
tolong ingatkan aku pelan-pelan, Tuhan.

#0157

Apapun yang dunia
dan orang-orangnya lakukan terhadapmu,
pegang kata-kata ku ini;

Tuhan tidak pernah lupakan kita.
Tidak,
sama sekali.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Let's go back!

Semalam tengok cerita 'Tears of the Sun'.
Cerita lama. Tahun 2003.

Leftenan A.K Waters (code name L.T) dengan team dia dihantar ke Nigeria untuk bawa 4 orang warganegara US balik dengan selamat.

Masa tu Civil War sedang berlaku.

Masa dia dengan team dia (kekuatan 7 orang) buat keputusan untuk menyelamatkan 70 orang pelarian Nigeria dari dibunuh dalam perang;
genocide to be exact-
vs 300 orang and more dari rebel troops,
L.T tengok kawan dia dan cakap,

"For our sins"

Wow, that hit me hard!

It's like,
"As impossible as this seems, let's just save these people as one way to pay our sins."

Sebab kita tak tahu masa kita sampai bila,
pahala kita banyak mana,
dosa kita berat mana,
nanti terima amalan buku tangan mana.

Sebab semua tu invisible to ones eye.

Man, we need to start now.
Like seriously, now.

Kita iringlah kejahatan kita dengan kebaikan.

Kita buatlah baik banyak-banyak.
Dengan rahmat Allah, moga-moga nanti lebih berat timbangan benda baik dari benda buruk.

We've sinned too much. Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk
Let's be better.

Moga Allah tak palingkan hati kita lepas beri hidayah pada kita.

No matter how far we've turned away from Allah, let's run back to Him.

Kalau tak mampu lari pun takpe,
merangkak, bertatih pun,
lama-lama sampai juga.
InshaaAllah.

Kebetulan pula Ramadhan ni, kita cuba praktikkan kebaikan. Mana tahu lekat dan terus jadi habit kita, sebati dengan diri.

Moh le kita sama-sama. You are not alone.

Ramadhan kareem readers!

Saturday, May 4, 2019

The times we were not in love

There were times in life,
where we were not in love.
Where everything seems to be so wrong at so many levels.
This doesn't came right,
that went completely wrong,
semua perkara pun macam tak berpihak pada kita.

Satu persatu hilang ertinya,
berdikit-dikit menyesak dada,
mahu kau lari dan bersembunyi,
tapi mana harus kau pergi?
(Tahu by Fynn Jamal)

Kan teruji kuatnya seorang perempuan,
bila dia sebagai makhluk perasaan terlemaskan oleh hatinya sendiri.
Sebab kuatnya seorang perempuan kerana hatinya dan lemahnya perempuan juga kerana hatinya.
(Did I mention that cantik dan kurang cantiknya perempuan juga terlihat dari hatinya?)

Bila dosa benar-benar menjauhkan kita dari taubat, sedang ibadah membuat kita merasa lebih baik dari orang lain;

saat marah membekukan wadah nurani,
rasa benci menghilangkan rasa kepercayaan,
sedikit dendam membuatkan mustahil untuk memberi kemaafan.

Saat kita rasa dihancurkan,
sedang Tuhan memandang dengan cinta,
detik-detik kita persoalkan qada kerana bertentang dengan mahunya kita,
dan fasa-fasa merasa Tuhan tidak adil dan jauh dari kita;

adalah masa-masa tersebut.
The times we were not in love.
Masa-masa kita tidak memiliki ikatan terkuat antara hamba dan Penciptanya.
Masa-masa kita tidak cinta pada Yang memiliki dunia dan segala isinya.
Sebab bila kita cinta dan percaya,
girls, we will not only see things with pair of eyes, we'll also have 'eyes' pada hati dan iman kita.
These eyes see things differently, you know.
Differently, clearer, wider.
Wide sangat sampai akhirat pun diorang consider. Awesome bukan? (Angkat kening, double-jerk)

Maybe in this very moment,
we are still in those times.
Sebab bahagia dan kuatnya hati seorang hamba adalah bila dia dekat dengan Tuhannya.
And if we've decided to be happy,
and that strong,
with that awesome super eyes that see things with hereafter lens,
shouldn't we take a step away from those times we were not in love?

Here, take my hand.
Let's go together 😃



Thursday, May 2, 2019

#0205

Saya belajar sesuatu hari ni.
Everything happens for a reason.

So did everything in the past.
Though they hurt a lot and they change almost everything about us;
the way we write
the way we interact with other people
the way we see things
they even make us stop drinking our favorite drink
and stop liking our favorite color,
walaupun perkara tu ubah kita sampai kita jadi like a whole different  person,
still, they happened for a reason.

The thing is, bila kita rasa sakit,
kita cenderung untuk mengelak instead of facing it.

And that my dear,
only slows our healing process.
And believe me,
a slow healing wound is so not cool.

However, take your time.
Take all the time you need.
Be afraid.
Be terrified.
Be sad.
Be broken.
Be helpless.
Be in every feelings you want to dive in.

But after that,
dive up again.
Pain don't last just like that.
Pain last when we embrace it.
So, be in pain and face it anyway.

When we embrace the pain and it becomes part of us.
It's no longer something that want to sneak in and be accepted.
And that is when the pain will instantly stop.

I deal with the dagger in my chest today.
And once I take is as a part of me,
I don't see a dagger anymore.
I see me and my past,
shaking hands and exchange smiles;
for everything happens for a reason.

The soul who searching for her soul,
Nurul.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Dear once upon my favorite guitarist,

I wonder how we sort details in our brain.
Some are put in long term log.
And some didn't.

Some just popped up out of nowhere
on the least expected time.
Like this moment.

Wonders of the brain, I guess.

Dear once upon my favorite guitarist,
thought of you kinda lingers recently.
I guess you need some prayer, no?

May you have a blessed life,
till the the day He call you home.
And if you have hard time.
please remember ( 3: 139-140 )
and ( 94: 5-6 )

If you believe in Him,
you should believe in yourself too.
As He won't burdened any soul more than they could take.

Till then,
take good care of yourself.

Monday, April 29, 2019

#2904

I think it's weird how feelings are engineered.
They are completely unpredictable.
Absurd, most of the times.

You've drowned.
Deep.
Landing on the ocean floor.
Alive and breathing.
Looking up.
But not feeling like surfacing.

Seasons passed and still,
you don't feel like swimming up.
But you don't suffocate either.
You don't yarn for the sky.
Though that is what you used to love the most.
You missed seeing the clouds
but you can't seem to bounce your feet off the ocean floor.
But somehow, the ocean and sky share the same blue.
And maybe,
just maybe,
you hope you could live your whole life underwater.

But you can't.
Because you don't belong.
And you know that very well.
So why can't you just whip your feet
and flutter kick yourself to the surface
and swim to the shore?
You're free to leave.
Yet, you stayed.

Absurd, no?

Thursday, April 25, 2019

#2504

Segala penat lelah diharapkan berbayar. Tak ada benda free ya sekarang.
So here I am. Sibukkan diri dari sibuk hal orang. Tengah belajar untuk keringkan hati, jangan ambil peduli.
I have my own capability. I have backup plans. Tapi cuma tersekat sebab masa dan financial.
I know I can do it by myself.
Aku tahu cakap-cakap orang tak mudah.
Moga dijauhkan dengan unsur-unsur benci lagi.

Work like a man, love like a girl (can I love again?)

Friday, April 19, 2019

Untuk sebuah syurga

All this pains and sufferings,
Are they worth to endure?

Buat baik kat orang, walau orang buat buruk kat kita.

Sabar bila saat ada yang menguji walaupun sebenarnya kita mampu untuk berperang, tapi kita pilih untuk sabar.

Bilamana orang melemparkan kata-kata jahat yang mengguris hati, tapi kita pilih untuk diam.

Untuk segala perkara-perkara yang tak baik berlaku pada kita, tapi kita masih pilih untuk jadi baik, are they worth?

Untuk sebuah syurga, why not?

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

#0105

How much can we ever know
about the love and pain
in another heart?

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Hati besi

Aku degil.
Selain degil, mungkin pasif. Sikitlah.

Aku tak suka mengampu. Tak suka dibuli. Jadi bila orang bagi perhatian aku macam cepat terpedaya, lalu akur dan jatuh. Bila orang kata sayang aku, aku cair, lemah
dan aku pegang sampai mati. Bila orang kata sayang, kalaupun dia bohong, aku percaya. Cepat percaya, cepat terluka. Pakej la tu.

Aku tak suka perhatian untuk aku tu di alih. Bila aku rasa teralih aku diamlah. Tapi aku pantau. Aku ikut. Aku sakit hati. Aku biarkan. Aku abaikan. Lepas tu aku tengok balik bila rindu. Macam tulah pada semua yang aku kata sayang. Walau bukan darah daging, setakat belanja kopi pun aku dah ingat sampai bila-bila. Kalau kata kau artis sekalipun aku tetap pandang yang cuma engkau yang aku kenal dulu, yang hari-hari tanya khabar, mengadu. Yang itu. Tak pedulilah siapa kau di mata siapa, yang penting siapa kau di mata aku.

Well, you know tangan yang memberi tu memang mulia. Dan tolonglah sedar yang tangan menerima ni berbunga hatinya, besar harapannya. Nasihat, canda tawa, peluh, peluk, cium, gurau manja tu semua dikira.

Sebak. Terharu. Kalau surat rasanya dah lipat kecik-kecik letak bedak taruk bawah bantal. Dan ya, aku tak pernah lupa yang ini. Tak pernah. Terima kasih kakak tercinta, perempuan seksi, hati besi.



Wednesday, April 3, 2019

#0304

Aku selalu terfikir,
kalau satu saat nanti bila tiba masa untuk aku pergi tinggalkan dunia ni, adakah orang-orang disekeliling aku rasa lega atau mereka akan tangisi ketiadaan aku?

Kewujudan kita ni samada buat orang senang atau derita.
Masa kita dengan orang, adakah kita buat orang tu rasa senang, gembira, suka atau buat orang rasa tak selesa, geram, menyampah, benci, tak suka kat kita?

Benda ni selalu dalam otak aku. Sebab kita selalu disajikan dengan kata-kata "we live not to please people" kan?
Tapi sebenarnya selain habluminaAllah (hubungan dengan Tuhan), habluminannas (hubungan dengan manusia) pun penting.

Kita punya la jaga hubungan kita dengan Tuhan, beribadat tak kira siang malam (which is good, in fact very good) tapi bab hubungan dengan orang lain kita tak jaga. Asyik buat orang sakit hati dengan perangai kita. Asyik buat orang susah. Asyik nak cakap buruk pasal orang. Lama-lama orang tak suka kita, benci kita, menyampah kat kita. Kau rasa Tuhan tak kira ke perbuatan kita kat orang? Apa yang kita buat kat orang? Ingat, walau sebesar zarah pun perkara yang kita buat, Tuhan kira.

Tuhan jadikan kita ni as social being. Kita kena bergaul dengan masyarakat dengan cara yang baik. Tak kiralah apa pangkat kita pun, pemimpin dunia ke, pemimpin negara ke, ceo syarikat ke, polis ke, pendidik ke, tukang sapu ke, engineer ke, doktor ke, ayah ke, mak ke, atuk ke, nenek ke, abang ke, kakak ke, adik ke, siapa-siapa pun kita, kita kena jaga hubungan dengan orang sekeliling. Sebab pangkat kita tu boleh lead kita ke syurga atau neraka, haaa nampak tak kesan dia?

So, agak-agak orang akan lega atau sedih bila kita dah takde kat dunia ni?


Sunday, March 31, 2019

#3103

Rambut dah sama hitam, apatah lagi hati.

Kadang-kadang kita sendiri kena muhasabah diri. Dari asyik menjahanamkan orang lain atas dasar pernah kongsi suka duka satu tika dulu, tak perlulah terus-terusan.

Masa berkawan, berkasih sayang, segala harta benda, makan minum, kain baju, seluar dalam, rahsia tok nenek, semua nak kongsi. Semua nak bagi. Eh, bila tak berkawan dikatanya mencuri.

Kau kaya, aku miskin, kau masih dengki.
kau wangi, aku busuk, kau masih dengki.
kau cantik, aku buruk, kau masih dengki.
kau bijak, aku bodoh pun kau masih dengki.

Kau ada segala macam dalam dunia ni tapi kenapa masih dengki?

Mungkin cermin tu dah ada cuma tak cukup besar.
Sebab badan lagi besar dari cermin gamaknya.

Selamat sore pembaca.

Thursday, March 28, 2019

#2803

There's so much things to say;
as there's so much things to write.

Of that moment.
That feelings.

But I ended up not writing anything.
As I'm having a good conversation with Him.

Captured.



p/s: It was supposed to be Him before him.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

#816

Satu persatu Tuhan tunjuk
yang bahawasanya aku telah buat satu keputusan yang tepat.
*tarik nafas lega

Aku bersyukur.
Dan aku tak menyesal dengan keputusan aku.

Aku percaya.
Tuhan sayang aku
*terharu gila..sobs

Terbanglah Ijah, terbang
Moga suatu saat nanti apa yang paling kau idamkan akan kau genggam.
Semoga.

Terima kasih Tuhan.
Nikmat dari Kau terlalu banyak.

Moga aku tetap tagap dijalan ini.
Semoga.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Day 23

Dear___________,

Yesterday I felt so desperate to hold you.
I stretched myself out on the couch and let out a hundred sighs and cries.

Yesterday. two, three and four yesterdays,
I felt afraid to tell that I miss you.

Today, I'll try not to wait to hear from you
because the next five, six or seven tomorrows
are still going to to be spent far far away from you.

I will drink my cup of coffee and sit on my bed
pretending to be cloud.

Love,
___________ 

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Random

I wonder if our lives based on two colors; black and white.
Semua orang dilabel kepalanya baik dan jahat.
Kiranya Raqib dan Atid boleh dilihat mata.

I have so much conversation with my brain and when I open up my mouth to speak, I speak nothing.
Tak langsung sekata dengan kepala. Aku tahu aku hilang punca. The fact that I don't face the facts. Dan bila ditanya diri, "apa salah aku?
Ada suara bisik, "kau perlu lebih satu malam untuk senaraikan semua".
My alter ego seems right.
Di penjara dunia, bila kau keluar sebagai banduan cinta, akal kena lebih laju dari perilaku. Pijakkan marah.

No, this is not  frustration statement. Ini adalah salah satu night thoughts sebelum dihimpit tidur (kalau tidurlah).
Gloomy, tak produktif.
Rancangan tak berjalan seperti yang diharapkan.
Bad days come with package.
Bezanya, sama ada bila balik kita merungut atau balik rasa syukur.
Kerana masih dihidupkan untuk akur.

Konsisten.
Serba serbi tak kena. Insomnia teruk,Tuhan hantar mimpi-mimpi yang bila bangun terus nak cari sejadah sujud syukur.
Tuhan hantar angin melimpas susuk tubuh setiap hari as a signal, kita tak pedulikan.
Tapi bila ingat bait-bait saat random macam badan penat lepas ligat meraih dunia mesti sekali hantuk dahi.

Random.
You keep praying on the same thing, generally.
The conversation between you and God was awesome.
Kadang mengadu sambil nangis, kadang mengadu sambil senyum.
300 hari berikutnya, signal sampai tapi kau masih tak perasan sama ada doa dimakbulkan atasa alasan apa. Because everytime you finish your duduk-antara-dua-sujud, mesti miracle happens not from the-one-you-ever-wanted but from the-lovely-stranger.
Ah, susah betul nak explain.

Nak salahkan siapa kalau Dia tarik orang yang kita sayang pergi macam tu je?
Nak salahkan siapa bila someone wants to cut off from you?
Salahkan diri sendiri sebab leka sangat menghamba dunia.
Padan muka.
Surrounded by negativity, no thank you.
Sejasad aku yang satu dah cukup negatif.
I need something to neutralize me.

Cuba kira setiap benda yang berlaku as blessings.
Dengan syarat tak boleh merungut.
Cuba, tak janji.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

My depression journey

Aku berkira-kira sebenarnya, nak tulis ke tak pasal ni. Then my therapist said if it will benefit others, why not? So yeah, why not?

So, aku jatuh balik. Tanpa aku sedar depression aku datang balik. But thank God I realized it sooner, the symptoms.

On 2015, I was diagnosed having a mild depression. But this time, worst. It came with anxiety attack.
I was doing great on 2016, 2017 and the end of 2018 everything started again. The dark episode.

Macam mana depression aku boleh relapsed?
Well, depression is something that doesn't just go away. It's just there.
And you deal with it.
And you stay out of situations that are going to trigger it.
Unfortunately, this time I just couldn't handle the problems came to me.
Everything started to fall apart.
One after another.
And I stumbled again into darkness.
Along with the anxiety.
Worst experience ever.

I keep worrying, restless and couldn't sleep well at night. In fact, some nights I just couldn't sleep. And it caused me to feel irritate at everything. I feel pressured when I'm at my workplace, to meet people and when I have to do certain task because I'm starting losing my concentration. It was difficult for me to concentrate on something. And of course it affect my job and people around me. I feel bad :(
Things getting bad when I keep having headache and  I was sweating a lot, nausea, my hands couldn't stop shaking and there were times I having difficulty in breathing. I don't feel like to do anything,  yet feel so bad about it. I'm losing interest in almost everything.
At that time, I know something was wrong and decided to seek for help.

When you having depression and anxiety, you just couldn't handle it by your own. Because you will feel like to die.You think that die is better than bearing the suffering. It's real.

Lepas beberapa sesi aku dengan terapi aku rasa dah boleh bernafas sikit. Ada ruang untuk bernafas. Lebih tenang, anxiety did not attack me since then.
I guess I did well *pat on my head

Peranan orang sekeliling penting untuk tempoh healing.Aku sangat perlukan sokongan keluarga dan kawan-kawan, which is I am so thankful for this. They are all there for me.
Tried my best to avoid something that might trigger my anxiety.

Alhamdulilah, I'm getting better. My therapist suggest me to do something that could make me feel better. Writing.
Writing makes me feel better.
And some exercises.
They keep me sane.
And I do play games. Surprising, it does help me as well.

I'm writing this not for sympathy, but I want you to know that it's okay not to feel okay,
but it's not okay if you let it for too long without doing anything about it.
It will eat you inside.

If you feel that you are having those symptoms, please seek help.
Because you need it.

Sometimes, pain will lead us to the right and beautiful path.
Me? I'm on my way



p/s: I'm okay writing this doesn't mean I'm okay to talk about this. Writing is the easiest way for me to talk about my feelings. Do pray for me ;)

#1903

After all,
I am just another piece
in your game.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

#1703

"Sampai sekarang aku tak faham, kenapa dia buat aku macam tu. Aku dah cuba sebaik mungkin untuk dia tapi dia pulak buat aku macam tu. Kenapa manusia suka menyakiti?"

"Sebab hati dia kosong"

Terdiam.
Jawapan yang aku cari selama ni aku fikir aku dah jumpa.
"Sebab hati dia kosong"
Dalam hati dia tiada rasa cinta, kasih, sayang, semua rasa yang baik-baik tu takde dalam hati dia.
Sebab tu dia boleh menyakiti orang lain tanpa sebab.
Itulah yang aku fikir.
Kesian kau.

Jawapan kepada persoalan aku dah terjawab.
Dan aku boleh pergi dengan tenang.
Tanpa toleh belakang.

Kau?
Suka hatilah kau nak hidup macam mana.
Bukan lagi urusan aku.
Semua terpulang atas kau.

Now, we are stranger again to each other.
You are now somebody that I used to know.

Farewell.

Saturday, March 16, 2019

#729

People fall in and out of love
all the time,
don't they?
I wonder how they manage it.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Nobody's home

I couldn't tell why she felt that way
she felt it everyday
I couldn't help her
I just watched her
make the same mistakes again
what's wrong now?
too many problems
don't know where she belongs
where she belongs

She wants to go home
but nobody's home
it's where she lies
broken inside

with no place to go
to dry her eyes
broken inside

Her feeling she hides
her dream she can't find
she's losing her mind
she's fallen behind

She can't find her place
she's losing her faith
she's fallen from grace
she's all over the place

She's lost inside






Wednesday, March 13, 2019

#1303

Right now everything is falls apart.
One after another.
Slowly I'm going down.
Down to the darkness, again.
And it's okay for not being alright at the moment, right?
Just one hope; that I'm going to survive this phase.
God, help me.


Just like the other days, I have to console my own self.

#0311

Kita akan hilang
dari hati orang

Monday, March 11, 2019

#158

Baru je lepas berbual dengan someone. One thing I learned from our conversation.

Kalau kau nak cut off orang dari hidup kau, kau kena totally cut them off. Dan lepas kau cut them off, no more turning back.

Sebab kalau kau tiba2 look back dan kau nampak diorg duk lambai-lambai, kau akan rasa nak pergi balik kat diorang. When actually diorang hanya lambai-lambai ayam. Dan kau akan menyesal sebab pergi balik kat diorang.

Pegang pada prinsip ni, cut them off and no turning back.

Kalau diorang rasa kau worth dalam hidup diorang, diorang yang akan datang pada kau dan minta maaf. Bukan kau yang pergi kat diorang.

Okay?

Sunday, March 10, 2019

#1003

Sadness is addictive. It's going to break you or make you.

Alang-alang tengah fragile ni, I am going to spend more time here.

Aku rasa semua orang tak perasaan yang their action actually menyumbng rebahnya orang. It makes you feel orang selama ni baik dengan kau ada motif. I am so done. Kenapa manusia suka menyakiti?

Have you ever realized that sometimes Tuhan pisahkan orang-orang yang kita sayang so we can grow better? Some of them dipisahkan for good, untuk  tak kembali pada kehidupan kita. Some of them was a lesson for us, to be a better person.

Bukan semua salah orang, mungkin juga sebenarnya salah kita. Do you happen to know someone who is always with you all time, walaupun dah lama tak bercakap?

I do.

Friday, March 8, 2019

I want to be okay again

I love inspiring myself by reading quotes from my favorite books and watching scenes from my favorite movies.

I like escaping into fantasy before facing my current reality because it's easier to get things done when the excitement is fresh and that's one of my weird habits: I prepare myself for productivity by feeling really good. That could also mean drinking a cup of coffee, taking a cold shower, saying a very random joke to my favorite people just to see them smile and I'd like to think that the little joys that are scattered within a day are infinite because being playful, taking care  of yourself and following your bliss.

Those are the things that lead you and me and everyone else to true progress, real satisfaction and authentic success in life.

Let's choose to inspire ourselves each and every day.

#0803

Sekadar satu garis datar
di atas parut lama,
merah tidak berdarah.

Tapi cukup untuk tahu
aku sedang sangat sakit saat ini.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

12.55 a.m thought

When you loved someone
and had to let them go,
there will always be that small part
of yourself that whispers
"What was it that you wanted and why you didn't fight for it?"

Saturday, March 2, 2019

#149

It's usually something soul crushing that causes us to run back to Allah and fall into sujood.

A blessing in disguise.

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

#1247

The worst part of being strong
is that no one ever asks
if you are okay

And in the end
all I learned
was how
to be strong
alone

Thursday, February 21, 2019

Level up

Pernah tak satu ketika kau rasa kau berada dalam "comfort zone" terlalu lama sampaikan perasaan selesa kau tu jadi perasaan yang pelik dan kau mula terfikir "I've been this comfortable for too long until I'm no longer feel comfortable." Haa..gitu.

Entah lah, aku pun tak tahu macam mana nak terangkan secara terperinci perasaan tu. Tapi macam tu la aku rasa sekarang ni. Aku ada dalam "comfort zone" lama sangat sampaikan aku tak rasa nak keluar dari zon tu. Haaa..bila timbul rasa macam tu maknanya kita kena "level up" la.

Bukan bila main game je kita kena level up, dalam hidup kita pun perlu untuk kita level up. Kalau main pubg tu, bermatian-matian kita main sebab nak level up kepada Ace..haa macam tu la hidup kita.

I need to level up my game. That's the only solution.

Sebab aku rasa hidup ni kita kena selalu "level up". Tak kisah la aspek mana, asalkan ada kemajuan dari diri kita. Asalkan kita ada "improvement" yang bermanfaat untuk diri kita dan orang sekeliling kita.

So, let's level up!

Sunday, February 17, 2019

#1702

"Do you think we'd be friends if we weren't, like, stuck together in the same town? Like we were stuck together in Girl Scouts? Like....uh...is this just....what's the word?"

"Proximity?"

"Yeah!"

"I don't know. I honestly don't. My entire life feels like running after something that keeps moving away into the distance, while I stay in the same place....and I guess proximity counts for a lot right now."

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

#1256

"What happened?"

"I'm terrifying"

"But why? Now is happy moment. I can see you are happy"

"That's the thing. I'm happy and it's terrifying"

"I don't understand"

"My happiness never last. It always got snatch away in the middle of it"

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

#1202

I'm trying. I am.
But I'll admit,
It's getting harder to live with so much heartbreak.
And there are days,
I just don't believe in love.
I tell myself to keep my heart open
that in the end, I was wrong about it.
Every relationship teaches us hard lessons, right?
That's their gift,
to make us ready for the day
when someone, maybe the one,
walks in
who could truly love us
and we could truly love them.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

#1159


Kalau kau boleh pilih, kau akan pilih yang mana?
Warna ke hitam putih?
Kalau tak diberi peluang untuk pilih, akur sajalah. Senyum.

I changed my direction slightly opposite. Macam-macam reaksi aku dapat. Ada yang tumpang gembira, ada yang sebaliknya. Well, I don't blame them for not being with me along the hundred days back. Yet, they complained, when they misunderstood the actual concept; dengan letak dosa atas hukum manusia. The definition of me still depends on your assumptions.

Dan bertanya pasal benda yang paling aku menyesal pernah aku buat? Open up to people.
You opened up too much to people and people still being judgemental. F that shit.

And I'm learning again.
Be good to your God, be good to your parents.
That's all.
Others don't matter.



Sunday, January 27, 2019

#27

We found each other
in the stars
of lonely nights
and lost each other 
in the harsh of realities
of the life below

Friday, January 18, 2019

Freaking Romance

Love seems like a breeze for others,
How are they doing that?
Romance seems like hates me,
freaking romance.

It's terrible to land on the
wrong side of love,
but don't give up,
because I'm sure,
out of this whole universe,
we'll find that person
who gives meaning to love song,
and we won't be leaning against the door,
cursing romance anymore.

May we find the right side of love.



P/S: I never realized that it was this afraid to like someone.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

#15

Bila kita berada di tahap paling bawah dalam hidup ni (lowest point), semua yang jadi disekeliling kita macam tak ada kesan pun kat hidup kita. Tak boleh nak rasa gembira walaupun dalam situasi yang menggembirakan. Tiba-tiba kita rasa dunia ni macam tengah bermusuh dengan kita.

Tapi bila dengar ada orang lagi menyedihkan kisah hidup dia, buat aku buka mata. Mungkin Tuhan bagi ujian ni sebab Dia nak menguatkan aku. Ujian Dia tu berkadar langsung dengan diri kita. Sebab kita mampu untuk hadap, Tuhan bagi ujian macam tu. Dan setiap kita, lain ujiannya. Jangan sebab orang lain tak hadap apa yang kita hadap, kita anggap dia bertuah. Kita tak tahu apa yang dia tengah hadap. Sebab tu aku rasa penting untuk kita buat baik kat orang lain.

Dan setiap kali, disebalik ujian yang Tuhan bagi, aku berharap yang akan ada benda baik Tuhan nak bagi kat aku. Tuhan kita ni Maha Penyayang, Maha Pengasih, Maha Kaya, Maha Bijaksana. Dia buat sesuatu tu, mesti ada sebab disebalik cerita tu. Have faith!

Dan betul juga, kita ni sebagai manusia takkan boleh lari dari perasaan negatif, rasa sedih, murung, lost, numb. Sebab perasaan semua tu jadi dengan izin Dia. Tapi, kita juga tak boleh la nak biarkan diri kita macam tu untuk selamanya kan? Tak 'function' sebagai manusia pulak. Penyakit ni mengada-ngada tau. You lose a lot of energy and need to comfort yourself all the time. Everytime I feel a little bit lost and numb about life, aku cuba untuk cari apa yang membuatkan aku rasa bagus pasal diri aku. At least, kita cuba untuk bangkit. Usaha tu ada. Doa banyak-banyak supaya Dia pinjamkan kekuatan dan kesabaran untuk kita.

Kalau kita sedih, murung, frust, menangislah. Sebab kita akan rasa lebih baik lepas menangis. Aku selalu buat macam tu. Tak payah tahan-tahan. Keluarkan je air mata tu. Sebab aku rasa menangis ni salah satu nikmat dari Tuhan.

Pastikan nangis yang paling kuat semalam berganti dengan senyum paling lebar esok. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Hujan aku

Saat hujan mulai turun
hidup itu rasanya ringan
kerna beban-beban hidup
turut sama pergi bersama hujan

Di saat tu
aku sedar bahawa
aku tenang bersama hujan

Hujan,
bawa aku pergi

Sunday, January 6, 2019

2019

What's stored for me this year?
Whatever Allah has planned, I will accept them. 
No more rebel.

And I need to change.
For a better me, for me.
No more hurting.

Hustle and tawakal.
My alter ego said, "you need some chill pill, Ijah. It's time to work like a man, and love like a girl, again". 

It's time to let go and and accept what's maktub. 
Bismillah.