#3103

Rambut dah sama hitam, apatah lagi hati.

Kadang-kadang kita sendiri kena muhasabah diri. Dari asyik menjahanamkan orang lain atas dasar pernah kongsi suka duka satu tika dulu, tak perlulah terus-terusan.

Masa berkawan, berkasih sayang, segala harta benda, makan minum, kain baju, seluar dalam, rahsia tok nenek, semua nak kongsi. Semua nak bagi. Eh, bila tak berkawan dikatanya mencuri.

Kau kaya, aku miskin, kau masih dengki.
kau wangi, aku busuk, kau masih dengki.
kau cantik, aku buruk, kau masih dengki.
kau bijak, aku bodoh pun kau masih dengki.

Kau ada segala macam dalam dunia ni tapi kenapa masih dengki?

Mungkin cermin tu dah ada cuma tak cukup besar.
Sebab badan lagi besar dari cermin gamaknya.

Selamat sore pembaca.

#2803

There's so much things to say;
as there's so much things to write.

Of that moment.
That feelings.

But I ended up not writing anything.
As I'm having a good conversation with Him.

Captured.



p/s: It was supposed to be Him before him.

#816

Satu persatu Tuhan tunjuk
yang bahawasanya aku telah buat satu keputusan yang tepat.
*tarik nafas lega

Aku bersyukur.
Dan aku tak menyesal dengan keputusan aku.

Aku percaya.
Tuhan sayang aku
*terharu gila..sobs

Terbanglah Ijah, terbang
Moga suatu saat nanti apa yang paling kau idamkan akan kau genggam.
Semoga.

Terima kasih Tuhan.
Nikmat dari Kau terlalu banyak.

Moga aku tetap tagap dijalan ini.
Semoga.

Day 23

Dear___________,

Yesterday I felt so desperate to hold you.
I stretched myself out on the couch and let out a hundred sighs and cries.

Yesterday. two, three and four yesterdays,
I felt afraid to tell that I miss you.

Today, I'll try not to wait to hear from you
because the next five, six or seven tomorrows
are still going to to be spent far far away from you.

I will drink my cup of coffee and sit on my bed
pretending to be cloud.

Love,
___________ 

Random

I wonder if our lives based on two colors; black and white.
Semua orang dilabel kepalanya baik dan jahat.
Kiranya Raqib dan Atid boleh dilihat mata.

I have so much conversation with my brain and when I open up my mouth to speak, I speak nothing.
Tak langsung sekata dengan kepala. Aku tahu aku hilang punca. The fact that I don't face the facts. Dan bila ditanya diri, "apa salah aku?
Ada suara bisik, "kau perlu lebih satu malam untuk senaraikan semua".
My alter ego seems right.
Di penjara dunia, bila kau keluar sebagai banduan cinta, akal kena lebih laju dari perilaku. Pijakkan marah.

No, this is not  frustration statement. Ini adalah salah satu night thoughts sebelum dihimpit tidur (kalau tidurlah).
Gloomy, tak produktif.
Rancangan tak berjalan seperti yang diharapkan.
Bad days come with package.
Bezanya, sama ada bila balik kita merungut atau balik rasa syukur.
Kerana masih dihidupkan untuk akur.

Konsisten.
Serba serbi tak kena. Insomnia teruk,Tuhan hantar mimpi-mimpi yang bila bangun terus nak cari sejadah sujud syukur.
Tuhan hantar angin melimpas susuk tubuh setiap hari as a signal, kita tak pedulikan.
Tapi bila ingat bait-bait saat random macam badan penat lepas ligat meraih dunia mesti sekali hantuk dahi.

Random.
You keep praying on the same thing, generally.
The conversation between you and God was awesome.
Kadang mengadu sambil nangis, kadang mengadu sambil senyum.
300 hari berikutnya, signal sampai tapi kau masih tak perasan sama ada doa dimakbulkan atasa alasan apa. Because everytime you finish your duduk-antara-dua-sujud, mesti miracle happens not from the-one-you-ever-wanted but from the-lovely-stranger.
Ah, susah betul nak explain.

Nak salahkan siapa kalau Dia tarik orang yang kita sayang pergi macam tu je?
Nak salahkan siapa bila someone wants to cut off from you?
Salahkan diri sendiri sebab leka sangat menghamba dunia.
Padan muka.
Surrounded by negativity, no thank you.
Sejasad aku yang satu dah cukup negatif.
I need something to neutralize me.

Cuba kira setiap benda yang berlaku as blessings.
Dengan syarat tak boleh merungut.
Cuba, tak janji.

My depression journey

Aku berkira-kira sebenarnya, nak tulis ke tak pasal ni. Then my therapist said if it will benefit others, why not? So yeah, why not?

So, aku jatuh balik. Tanpa aku sedar depression aku datang balik. But thank God I realized it sooner, the symptoms.

On 2015, I was diagnosed having a mild depression. But this time, worst. It came with anxiety attack.
I was doing great on 2016, 2017 and the end of 2018 everything started again. The dark episode.

Macam mana depression aku boleh relapsed?
Well, depression is something that doesn't just go away. It's just there.
And you deal with it.
And you stay out of situations that are going to trigger it.
Unfortunately, this time I just couldn't handle the problems came to me.
Everything started to fall apart.
One after another.
And I stumbled again into darkness.
Along with the anxiety.
Worst experience ever.

I keep worrying, restless and couldn't sleep well at night. In fact, some nights I just couldn't sleep. And it caused me to feel irritate at everything. I feel pressured when I'm at my workplace, to meet people and when I have to do certain task because I'm starting losing my concentration. It was difficult for me to concentrate on something. And of course it affect my job and people around me. I feel bad :(
Things getting bad when I keep having headache and  I was sweating a lot, nausea, my hands couldn't stop shaking and there were times I having difficulty in breathing. I don't feel like to do anything,  yet feel so bad about it. I'm losing interest in almost everything.
At that time, I know something was wrong and decided to seek for help.

When you having depression and anxiety, you just couldn't handle it by your own. Because you will feel like to die.You think that die is better than bearing the suffering. It's real.

Lepas beberapa sesi aku dengan terapi aku rasa dah boleh bernafas sikit. Ada ruang untuk bernafas. Lebih tenang, anxiety did not attack me since then.
I guess I did well *pat on my head

Peranan orang sekeliling penting untuk tempoh healing.Aku sangat perlukan sokongan keluarga dan kawan-kawan, which is I am so thankful for this. They are all there for me.
Tried my best to avoid something that might trigger my anxiety.

Alhamdulilah, I'm getting better. My therapist suggest me to do something that could make me feel better. Writing.
Writing makes me feel better.
And some exercises.
They keep me sane.
And I do play games. Surprising, it does help me as well.

I'm writing this not for sympathy, but I want you to know that it's okay not to feel okay,
but it's not okay if you let it for too long without doing anything about it.
It will eat you inside.

If you feel that you are having those symptoms, please seek help.
Because you need it.

Sometimes, pain will lead us to the right and beautiful path.
Me? I'm on my way



p/s: I'm okay writing this doesn't mean I'm okay to talk about this. Writing is the easiest way for me to talk about my feelings. Do pray for me ;)

#1903

After all,
I am just another piece
in your game.

#1703

"Sampai sekarang aku tak faham, kenapa dia buat aku macam tu. Aku dah cuba sebaik mungkin untuk dia tapi dia pulak buat aku macam tu. Kenapa manusia suka menyakiti?"

"Sebab hati dia kosong"

Terdiam.
Jawapan yang aku cari selama ni aku fikir aku dah jumpa.
"Sebab hati dia kosong"
Dalam hati dia tiada rasa cinta, kasih, sayang, semua rasa yang baik-baik tu takde dalam hati dia.
Sebab tu dia boleh menyakiti orang lain tanpa sebab.
Itulah yang aku fikir.
Kesian kau.

Jawapan kepada persoalan aku dah terjawab.
Dan aku boleh pergi dengan tenang.
Tanpa toleh belakang.

Kau?
Suka hatilah kau nak hidup macam mana.
Bukan lagi urusan aku.
Semua terpulang atas kau.

Now, we are stranger again to each other.
You are now somebody that I used to know.

Farewell.

#729

People fall in and out of love
all the time,
don't they?
I wonder how they manage it.

Nobody's home

I couldn't tell why she felt that way
she felt it everyday
I couldn't help her
I just watched her
make the same mistakes again
what's wrong now?
too many problems
don't know where she belongs
where she belongs

She wants to go home
but nobody's home
it's where she lies
broken inside

with no place to go
to dry her eyes
broken inside

Her feeling she hides
her dream she can't find
she's losing her mind
she's fallen behind

She can't find her place
she's losing her faith
she's fallen from grace
she's all over the place

She's lost inside

#1303

Right now everything is falls apart.
One after another.
Slowly I'm going down.
Down to the darkness, again.
And it's okay for not being alright at the moment, right?
Just one hope; that I'm going to survive this phase.
God, help me.


Just like the other days, I have to console my own self.

#0311

Kita akan hilang

dari hati orang

#158

Baru je lepas berbual dengan someone. One thing I learned from our conversation.

Kalau kau nak cut off orang dari hidup kau, kau kena totally cut them off. Dan lepas kau cut them off, no more turning back.

Sebab kalau kau tiba2 look back dan kau nampak diorg duk lambai-lambai, kau akan rasa nak pergi balik kat diorang. When actually diorang hanya lambai-lambai ayam. Dan kau akan menyesal sebab pergi balik kat diorang.

Pegang pada prinsip ni, cut them off and no turning back.

Kalau diorang rasa kau worth dalam hidup diorang, diorang yang akan datang pada kau dan minta maaf. Bukan kau yang pergi kat diorang.

Okay?

#1003

Sadness is addictive. It's going to break you or make you.

Alang-alang tengah fragile ni, I am going to spend more time here.

Aku rasa semua orang tak perasaan yang their action actually menyumbng rebahnya orang. It makes you feel orang selama ni baik dengan kau ada motif. I am so done. Kenapa manusia suka menyakiti?

Have you ever realized that sometimes Tuhan pisahkan orang-orang yang kita sayang so we can grow better? Some of them dipisahkan for good, untuk  tak kembali pada kehidupan kita. Some of them was a lesson for us, to be a better person.

Bukan semua salah orang, mungkin juga sebenarnya salah kita. Do you happen to know someone who is always with you all time, walaupun dah lama tak bercakap?

I do.

I want to be okay again

I love inspiring myself by reading quotes from my favorite books and watching scenes from my favorite movies.

I like escaping into fantasy before facing my current reality because it's easier to get things done when the excitement is fresh and that's one of my weird habits: I prepare myself for productivity by feeling really good. That could also mean drinking a cup of coffee, taking a cold shower, saying a very random joke to my favorite people just to see them smile and I'd like to think that the little joys that are scattered within a day are infinite because being playful, taking care  of yourself and following your bliss.

Those are the things that lead you and me and everyone else to true progress, real satisfaction and authentic success in life.

Let's choose to inspire ourselves each and every day.

#0803

Sekadar satu garis datar
di atas parut lama,
merah tidak berdarah.

Tapi cukup untuk tahu
aku sedang sangat sakit saat ini.

12.55 a.m thought

When you loved someone

and had to let them go,

there will always be that small part

of yourself that whispers

"What was it that you wanted and why you didn't fight for it?"

#149

It's usually something soul crushing that causes us to run back to Allah and fall into sujood.

A blessing in disguise.