#280919

Mungkin kita belum jumpa apa yang kita cari,
sebab kita belum cari apa yang kita sepatutnya jumpa.

Tapi macam mana kalau kita pun tak tahu kita cari apa sebenarnya?

Dear life,
I'm perplexing and you definitely got the element of surprise bursting here and there.

#12:40

She said,

"Dear you, when I found you, you were in hundred pieces. Give or take. I didn't try to fix you or put you back together. You are fine the way you are. If broken is how I found you, broken is how I will love you"

Thank you for not hating me when I hated myself.

Disheveled

At times, some words stick. I mean, I know this word. I've never used it in a conversation but yes, I know it.

Then one morning, while I'm still trying to run the sleep out of my eyes, it comes to me. Maybe I dream of something, I don't know. And it sticks, and it doesn't go away. One day, two days, a week. It stays in my mind.

Disheveled.
Is it because that's how our life is? It's not flawless, it's not a straight line, it's not a jog around the park. It's messy, and untidy and altogether so grown up. I'm no longer a child, yet I refuse to accept it. What am I then? I've never really introspected it. I feel like I've done everything the wrong way around my entire life. Acted too old in childhood, too mature in teenage and now I behave like a child. I did this when I should have done that. And the other way round.

I've locked myself quite a long time and thrown away the key. It's been a while I had a decent, witty, interesting conversation with people. I don't even know how to talk anymore. Is it too early for a mid life crisis? or too late? I never know.

Anything, I'm never sure. It's a consequence of knowing that "one can't know everything". And yet, obliviously confident people thrive. Not an iota of self-doubt though. My ability to hide is diminishing. And the shittiest part is that I'm not actually lacking for anything. Everything's fine. It really is. It's just not joyful anymore.

How would I invigorate myself when I have so fully sunk into inertia? I feel I have forgotten to talk, to chat, to write and to flirt maybe? ehe..kidding...or I'm not?

Inertia leads to regression. Hopelessness. How do I fight that? How do I not give up?
Arise, awaken, but how?

Growth is so painful, staying here even more so. Weep for the years lost, yet know that I will weep more for the years to come.

Guide me, teach me.
For God's sake, inspire me.

Things we can see only when we slow down

There are absolutely countless of things that we can see, appreciate, and be grateful for, only when we slow down.

Hidup ni tak pernah berhenti,
just like time
it never stops.

But so does our heart
and desires
and exprectations
and hopes

And maybe that's why we always wonder,
"why am I not yet blessed?"
Sedangkan banyak sekali kurniaan Tuhan yang telah kita nikmati,
but we failed to see them.

Maybe we should just take a little time to ponder
how today has been a blessing
from the moment we open our eyes this morning
up till this very moment.
I'm sure there's a lot of them.
For starter, we being alive is one thing.

Regardless how nonsensical thing is at this moment,
there are always something to be thankful for.
Why am I so sure of that?
Sebab Allah Maha Baik.
Maha Memberi.
Amal kita banyak sekali lompongnya.
Ibadah kita apatah lagi.
Tapi kurniaanNya selalu sempurna.

And suddenly I'm thinking and question myself
have I been grateful for today?
Dah masuk jam ke 21 ni
tinggal lagi 3 jam nak masuk hari baru.
Have I sincerely say
"Alhamdulilah for what He blessed me with today?"

and it occurs to me
I haven't.
:(

How sad.

#0209

We often asked Allah for the best. But we get stress when He removed something from our lives. Part of our problem is that all too often, we assume that Allah is not meeting our needs or is holding back in some way. When in reality, He is meeting our needs, in His capacity - an all knowing one - instead of ours - a limited one. 

May every prayer of yours be granted, in a way better than the best you could hope for or imagine.