A tribute to a great educator, Dr Mimi Iznita

When I was in my undergraduate studies, I took Abnormal Psychology subject during my 5^th semester on 2013. This subject among the few that really into my heart. This class made me realized that I have interest into abnormal personality of people. And the one who responsible for it is the lecturer who teaching the subject at that time, Dr Mimi Iznita. I did enjoy listen to her experiences dealing with many kinds of clients since she is a clinical psychologist. My very first impression of her is, “wow, her English accent is really great!”. That must be because she worked at US for a while before she come to UIA. One thing I remember about the class is the project the she assigned us to do, “go crazy project”. This project indeed gave us new perspective about mental health problem. Again, thanks to her.

And for my last semester in 2014 I took another subject under her supervision, clinical psychology. This subject is really tough but she made it enjoyable. And I remember during that semester, the incident of MH370 occurred and she is among the psychologists who helped the families of the victims to cope with the incidents. At that time, my respect towards Dr Mimi grow even bigger. I respect her that she got a lot of responsibilities on her shoulder but she managed it well. I admire her personality and attitude.

For me, she’s a lovable person. Loved by many, I’m certain about that. I met her before I pursue my master degree, asking for an advice. “of course, it’s a good thing. But you have to remember, passion alone won’t help you to go through the journey. You must also have a determination and always remember why you want to pursue your passion. InshaaAllah, you’ll go through the journey with new experiences. I will always pray for your journey. That the least thing we as your educator can do. We always pray the best for our students”. She touched my heart with her words. Those words will be always in my heart.

Dr Mimi, thank you for all your knowledge that you have been shared with us. InshaaAllah we will use it for the good purposes. For every knowledge that you gave, may Allah reward you amply. For every effort that you gave for society, may Allah reward you Jannah. Thank you for everything, Dr Mimi. Jazakillahu kheir. May you rest in peace. You’ll be missed.

Should I or should I not?

Marriage. As I grow older I’m thinking a lot about this. 2 days ago, I turned to 27 years old. Bless to have what I have right now, alhamdulilah.

As I grow older, people keep asking me about marriage, which I don’t have the answer myself. I just ignore what people say, most of the time and don’t even bother about that, but sometimes it bothers me. The questions keep coming into my mind.

“do I have to get married?”

“why should I get married?”

“why I need to get married?”

“what happened if I don’t get married?”

“what happened if I get married?”

Those questions bother me sometimes. I try to reason many times about this. It’s normal for people to get married especially to their loved ones. They hope that when they get married they will be happy for the rest of their life and they can grow older with their loved ones. That’s normal thinking. And I think it’s sweet. You’ve got someone to spend the rest of your life together and if you are lucky you’ve child too. That’s beautiful. And that’s what my religion taught too, encouraging marriage so that many muslims will inhibit this world, hoping to make the world a better place. And that’s what people called normal.

What is not normal to them? Not getting married I guess because they seem to think that every people should get married. And not married is kind of…taboo. Maybe because it is. But, something not normal not necessarily not good. Some people are just not meant to be married even if they want to. They try hard, but in the end, it’s just their fate and they just go with the flow. Not married not necessarily mean they are not happy. You can be happy even when you’re single and being married not necessarily you are happy. We cannot judge life only based on what we think and see. Sometimes, it beyond that. That’s what I thought.

People keep asking me why I don’t get married yet. I wish I can answer that with certainty but I couldn’t because I don’t even know myself. It’s not that I don’t want to get married and it’s also not that I’m desperate to get married, it’s neither. The idea of marriage is good, beautiful but it is something that I cannot force to. Wanting to get married is like..you have wish that might be achieve or not. It’s like you want to own your own house, but it’s not easy to own a house, you have to work hard and you might own it later in your life or not. Not every wish that we have will come true. Some of them will just fade by times. But it’s not necessarily bad. There’s must be reason.

“am I able to be a good wife?”

“am I able to be a good mother?”

“am I able to provide needs to my family?

“am I able to commit to it?”

Those questions left unanswered. But for now, I will focus on what I should focus first. I will just go with the flow. Allah is the Best Planner after all.

Home is far away

I've got a long way to go
but there's no vacant taxis
it feels like it'll rain
the day's burden feels heavy
on my drooping shoulder
I just want to rest for a moment
home is far away

Nothing's changed
alone in an empty playground
I do pull ups on a high bar
it's been a tip-toed life
what's been expected of me
has been a little beyond my stretched arms
people standard soaring high as Mt. Everest
as I rise to the top, stress does to
I know I can never rest
since there's no sleeping pills
that will put my complaints to sleep

Now it is become obvious
why society taught us how to wait in line
complex relations, that itself is a paradox
there's only relation, no room for people

I used to dream because I was afraid to be mundane
now I dream of being normal
as I stand all alone in the rain
if there's no growth, growing pain is just a pain

I become more and more afraid
my two feet and heart are running, but for what?
my dream has become a burden
my only hope is to leave them behind and run away
just one more step, they say
but when I looked up,
I was at the edge of the cliff
I looked behind to see long line of expectations
were they supported me or pushing me over
the materialistic world reached out to me
I hated to hold it
but I fear more of being empty handed
it can't be only time that can't be held on to
looking up at the dark sky
and thought I once had a dream
tonight, it's even hard to sleep

could you stop for me, for a moment?
I can't walk any further
the wind is blowing
and I still have a long way to go

Is there no place for me is this huge world?
am I alone in this busy street?
is there not a single empty seat for me?
Home is far away

The path I had  take
I once had something like a dream
I once had a dream

Lost stars

Please don't see
Just a girl caught up in dreams and fantasies
Please see me
Reaching out for someone I can't see

Take my hand, let's see where we wake up tomorrow
Best laid plans sometimes are just unexpected
I'll be damned, Cupid's demanding back his arrow
So let's get drunk on our tears

And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?

But don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow
Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer
Turn the page, maybe we'll find a brand new ending
Where we're dancing in our tears

And I thought I saw you out there crying
And I thought I heard you call my name
And I thought I heard you out there crying
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?
Are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?

Seasonal life

All i can say is that life has seasons, and some seasons you’re doing amazingly and living with great joy and your demons are at bay, seemingly defeated.

But then new seasons arrive, and you aren’t doing so hot, and while you pursue joy in all you do, the demons come out and almost engulf you. This season could be difficult and frustrating because i seem to struggle with the same things over and over and over again. it takes a toll on my mind and my body and my heart. it affects every aspect of my life– because i let it. 

But i know that it’s not a matter of winning or losing, but of fighting and moving forward.

One after another

This is an important lesson to remember when we're having a bad day, a bad month or a shitty year. Things will change, because I believe we won't feel this way forever, isn't it?

And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones our soul needs most. I believe we can't feel real joy unless we've been felt heartache. We can't have a sense of victory unless we know what it means to fail.

Petani yang buntu

Dunia adalah tentang memegang amanah; melaksanakannya, serta membuat keputusan dari pilihan-pilihan yang ada.
Dan kerana hidup dan kehidupan adalah rahsia Tuhan yang nyata,
maka kepada Tuhanlah kita harus bertanya tentang apa pun pilihan yang ingin kita buat.

Kenapa mesti Allah?
Kerana tidak ada walau sehelai daun pun yang gugur di luar pengetahuanNYA. (Al-an'am:59)
Dan kerana Allah tahu apa yang ada dalam setiap hati, meski nyata atau rahsia.(Al-Mulk:13)

Ada seorang petani yang diberikan rezeki memiliki sebidang tanah yang luas. Kering, dan tidak mengizinkan tanaman.
Tanah seluas itu, hanya di isi dengan rumahnya; kerana hanya itu yang dia ada.

Maka suatu hari, petani yang ingin mencari rezeki diberikan sampan kecil untuknya berusaha.Maka petani bertanya kepada Allah, haruskah dia menerima sampan itu..sedang lautan berada jauh dari kawasannya.Dan Allah menjawabnya dengan menjadikan seisi rumah si petani merasa lapang terhadap sampan itu. Maka petani mengambilnya.


Bermusyawarah si petani dengan isi rumahnya; apa perlu dia pergi untuk mencari penghidupan yang lebih baik.
Dan dengan musyawarah, keluarganya sepakat membenarkan untuk dia membuat pilihan.
Maka petani bertanya lagi kepada Allah; apa dia harus pergi atau tidak.

Allah menghantar ribut ke kampungnya; pohon-pohon musnah tapi tidak sampannya.
Dan terdengar khabar dari kota; seberang sana ada jalan untuk penghidupan yang lebih sempurna.
Maka tahulah petani, Allah mahu dia pergi.

Lalu berangkatlah si petani berkelana ke seberang sana, meninggalkan seisi rumah. Kelana akhirnya meletakkan petani ke sebuah pekan yang bahagia. bertemu dengan orang-orang berjiwa indah. Dalam usaha mencari penghidupan, petani menemui seuncang benih dalam sampannya. Puas di tanya semua wajah-wajah di pantai dan jeti, tidak ada seorang pun yang mengetahui.

"Mungkin saja itu sudah rezekimu"
"Ahh, nyata sekali ia jatuh dari langit untukmu"
"Takdir Allah uncang itu jatuh ke dalam perahumu"

Maka petani bertanya kepada Allah, apa dia boleh mengambil benih itu atau tidak.
Tetapi ilham itu lewat sampai.
Maka petani meninggalkan uncang di jeti.
Dan saat petani datang semula ke jeti, mencari penghidupan, uncang itu muncul lagi dalam perahunya.
Ditinggalkannya lagi.
3 kali dia bertanya, dan 3 kali Allah mentakdirkan dia menemukan uncang itu dalam perahunya.
Maka petani membawanya pulang.

Bertanya kepada ayah dan ibunya; dan kata mereka,
"Ini benih tanah seberang. pohonnya bukan seperti pohon kita di sini. Tanyalah kepada Tuhan apa benar itu untukmu. Mungkin hanya untuk kau simpan."
"Tapi apa hasilnya jika hanya disimpan? Sama seperti tidak ada. sama seperti terus ditinggalkan di jeti."
"Tanya Allah."

Petani bertanya kepada Allah, apa dia harus menanam benih tanah seberang itu?
sedang masyarakat di tanahnya belum mengenal tanaman seperti itu.

Beristikharahlah si petani buat kesekian kalinya. Dan Allah mengilhamkannya sebuah kehidupan yang bahagia. DihantarkanNYA mimpi tanaman yang subur dengan buah-buah yang ranum, dan rumahnya yang meriah dengan gelak tawa.

Tapi petani masih ragu. Dia bertanya lagi kepada Allah.
Maka Allah turunkan hujan, membasahi tiap sudut tanah keringnya.

Petani bertanya lagi pada Allah; dan kali ketiga,
Dijadikan hatinya begitu cenderung untuk menyemai benih tersebut.

3 istikharah, maka petani membuat pilihan untuk menanam benih asing itu.Masih terfikir olehnya akan mehnah yang akan datang, tapi dia percaya pada pilihan dari Allah.
maka berhempas pulaslah si petani dengan tanamannya. Dijaga setiap hari, dengan penuh pengharapan akan redha Allah; dan kehidupan yang lebih sempurna.

5 tahun, dan tanamannya menginjak dewasa. hanya saja menanti untuk berbuah. Dan saat itulah, berita itu datang.Bahawa bangsawan dari tanah seberang datang.Mencari dia yang tinggal di hujung desa, dengan tanah kering yang kini ditumbuhi pohon.

Dan mereka datang untuk mengambil setiap pohon yang ada, meninggalkan tanah luasnya tanpa sisa.
Pohon itu bukan haknya.
Kerana benih yang disemainya itu juga bukan haknya.
Meski telah dicurah seluruh jiwanya pada usaha itu, ia masih bukan haknya.

Petani buntu, apa dia harus berjuang atau harus merelakan?Bukankah dia telah bertanya kepada Allah berkali-kali?
Bukankah tanah keringnya itu Allah izin untuk dibasahi dengan hujan dan air kali?
Bukankah benihnya tumbuh subur dengan izin Ilahi?
Bukankah uncang itu seolah jatuh dari langit dunia; datang kepadanya tanpa dia mencari?
Bukankah uncang itu malah datang kembali meski dibuangnya berkali-kali?
Bukankah dia telah bertanya malah sebelum pergi?Bukankah sampan untuknya ke seberang itu Allah yang beri?

dan selepas semua pertanyaan ini,
selepas semua jawapan yang dia perolehi,
dia perlu melepaskan pergi?

Apa selama ini dia hanya berkira-kira sendiri?Bukankah Allah bersamanya dalam setiap pilihan?Maka kenapa jadi seperti ini;
seolah selama ini dia membuat kesilapan.
Kenapa di saat ini, hakikat bukan seperti yang dia harapkan?

maka petani terpempan;
Dan hanyut dalam kebuntuannya.

"Dan sungguh akan kami berikan cubaan kepadamu, dengan sedikit ketakutan, kelaparan, kekurangan harta, jiwa dan buah-buahan. dan berikanlah berita gembira kepada orang-orang yang sabar." (AlBaqarah: 155)

 Dan masih, Allah menantinya bertanya untuk kesekian kali.


Beautifully written by FN (Tulip Putih)

Book = People

People are like books. There are some you would want to hold on to for the rest of your life, some that you could not afford to finish reading because of consequent disinterest, some that you would want to read over and over and just doesn’t seem to get boring. In every person is a whole lot of story, which then would explain the maxim, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Fair enough, right? Until one has picked up a book and read from beginning thru end, one cannot be certain with the conclusion it holds.

Now in all the hundreds and thousands of books that you will come across in your entire life, there are bound to be some that would stand out, some that would be forgotten, and some that would be left behind. As it is, we have to move on from one book to the next. With people, it is an inevitable phenomenon to be fleeting creatures, in constant search for new experiences, new sensations. There is, after all, only one life that we are given to live.

(94: 5-6)

"So verily, with the hardship, there is relief,

Verily, with the hardship, there is relief"

(Al-Insyirah: 5-6)

Mata terhenti di bacaan ke lima dan enam. Diturunkan al-Quran perlahan-lahan.

“Tuhan itu kan adil”

Pelahan dia menggumam antara dengar dengan tidak.

Semua pun ada hikmah. Antara sedar atau tidak. Semuanya, literally. Bukan hanya pada sesetengah perkara. Bukan hanya pada sesetengah manusia. Hikmah itu merangkumi setiap kejadian dan juga semua hamba. Lambat-lambat kepala mengangguk sendiri.

Jadinya, kena sentiasa bersangka baik lah kan? Soalnya pada diri. Tangan masih dilarikan pada meja, melukis dengan hanya ingatan di kepala. Tanpa pen mahupun dakwat yang mengisi lukisan imaginasi. Dah betul la tu. Kena bersangka baik. Walaupun ketika itu segala jenis bala yang ada dalam dunia menimpa diri. Walaupun ketika itu dah rasa nak jatuh tersembam mencium bumi.

Tersenyum tersinggung si hujung bibir. Diambil pensil dari kotak pensil. Sebelah tangan lagi mencapai memo pad di dalam laci.

Dua baris ayat dari surah al-Insyirah laju mengisi di dada memo pad biru di tangan. Lantas dilekatkan pada board di hadapan. Supaya tidak lupa nanti jika dating raja bala bergolek nak bagi lenyek diri, sekurang-kurangnya masih ada peringatan yang boleh diingati. Tak adalah terus tersungkur langsung tak bangun lagi. 

Still

Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best

even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail,

so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily

What is to be human?

It seems, as the world has gotten smaller with satellites and cell phones, that time has condensed and we are further pushed to minimize everything in life in order to save ‘time’.

We sort our laundry by color and texture.  We sort our projects by order of importance.  We sort people by commonalities – or lack thereof.  A moving scale if you will.  Religion is a big one.  Politics another.

Sorting has become habitual – we do it by rote, mechanically – a memorized technique that we could multitask our way through without so much as a sideways glance.  Do you know your garbage men by name?  Do you know who delivers your letters?  Do you know anything about them, their families, children, etc.? Just a question.  No judgment.

For the sake of religion, we have forgotten or perhaps even forsaken the most basic element that is at the core: we are all human.  We’ve only walked in our own shoes, and most of us have never left the country.  Yet for reasons that make no logical sense to me, we as humans feel that we can discern and subsequently express superiority over other humans.  I reiterate – we’ve only walked in our own shoes.  Where or is it how do we come by the ‘right’ to judge and determine the fate of those we consider inferior?  Did we give away the logic to the ‘god of time’ because “I need to get on to my next ……..(whatever)”?

I’m restless tonight.  (Earthy) Humanity desired to know it’s reaches – and so it has.  Be careful what you ask for.  Ask with open arms…………..open arms defined as:  ask the question, knowing that the answer may be sleeping next to you, in your house, in your heart.  Walk a mile in silence.   Walk another mile, and then another.  Breathe and know you are on a path.  Then recognize that your path may be paved – you’re still on the solitary path, not the human path.

To be

Back it up.  Forget the path.  Close your eyes and recognize your resonant heartbeat.  One thing.

We all have to give for one thing.  Love.  We are all ultimately reaching for it.  If we could but sort it out and recognize that all is within.  If we could but recognize that nothing is missing because it all resides inside, wouldn’t that be something.  We as humans need to find our way; else we lose the way and our humanity.

Today I determined to fall in love

This morning I woke up determined to fall in love. I don’t know why today was any different from every previous morning, where I usually wake up determined (through quantum physics) to try and squeeze two more hours of sleep into the nine minutes allotted by my snooze button. But today was different.

 'Fall in love!’ - The thought entered my brain before my eyes even opened, and my smile continued to grow as I inhaled deeply the smell of a new day that carried the fragrance of my mission. I spent a few precious moments in my nest of down pillows, my old favorite to the left of my head. Giving it one last loving squeeze, holding the promise to share my adventures in the evening, I slipped from my bed and set off on my quest, guided by an unknown ‘knowing’.

 Although my morning rituals were unchanged, (pray, making coffee, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, etc.), I became aware of things I had not previously noticed.

My shower for example:  today I was aware of every individual drop of water as it alighted on my skin. It was a symphony that had played every morning, yet I had never tuned in to hear it before today. I fell in love with the music.

My day continued as such, with each previously mundane situation being redefined. I took a sip of my black coffee, noticing the perfect dark color, the bold flavor, and the heat as it flowed down my throat, warming my body from the inside out, infusing my cells with the sweet essence of thebeans. I fell in love with my coffee.

That afternoon I took my daily walk on from my kuliyyah to my room. Every day the trail changes, (the trees, flowers, plants, insects, the animals, etc.). For me, walking is a form of meditation, the place where I can connect.

Today I was only a quarter mile into my meditation when I noticed a furry, black caterpillar scurrying across the five-foot bald expanse of the trail. The caterpillar’s movements were so hurried, they smacked of panic. I briefly considered “helping” it to the other side, a thought I quickly dismissed as arrogant in a superior, human sort of way, and decided to merely observe and intervene only if necessary. It seemed, at that decisive moment, that I connected with this critter. Once it reached the tall green grass it stopped moving completely.

I waited a few moments and proceeded on my walk, lost in thought. Where will it go from here?  When the time is right, it will seek a place to build its cocoon. Somewhere higher up, I hope. How does it choose?  With complete trust, this creature will seal itself up, vulnerable as it hides in plain sight, dreaming of flight. Bravery personified in a furry critter that can easily pass under the radar, yet we all notice the butterflies. I fell in love with this caterpillar and the thoughts this little creature provoked.

I looked up as I continued walking, noticing the cloud formations. I realized that I was looking at a gift. Never again would I see that exact cloud in that exact formation. It existed whether I noticed it or not. I fell in love with it.

More importantly, I began to feel the love sent out, the subtle ambient vibration evident in all things, connecting all things. And like a pebble in a pond, the next overwhelming feeling exploded from my heart, the feeling of gratitude.

I felt more alive than ever before. I have heard it said that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience. Intellectually I understood that, yet it was only at this moment that I felt it. I knew I was a part of something so much greater than this human body I was experiencing.

Only when I became truly open to falling in love was I able to see that love is all around, in everything, just waiting to be acknowledged.

By protecting myself from “falling” I had actually prohibited myself from flying.

As I pondered my day, the love I’d felt for inanimate objects, living beings, and every conceivable thing that crossed my path, I realized I could no longer play small. I had a job to do: to be a part of the amplification of the vibration of love. With my heart full of love, I blessed the day as I drifted off to sleep.

Why

Why do I write?

Perhaps in order not go mad. 

Or, on the contrary, to touch the bottom of madness.

To live bravely

There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living. You just need to live your life bravely.

Terlupa minta

Ada benda yang aku terlalu ingin,

tapi masih belum dapat.

Dan aku lupa

untuk meminta

pada Dia.

Bukan satu tapi seluruh

Terfikir tentang waktu-waktu yang telah aku lalu
Memberi memori bagaimana aku belajar mengenal itu dan ini,
serta tahu sana sini
Dan ternyata masih banyak harus aku belajar
tentang hidup sebagai manusia yang perlu menerima baik manusia lain,
tidak memandang dari mata,
tapi melihat dari setiap sudut dan sisi lain.

Umpama kau melihat sisi gelap wanita seksi bertattoo,
kaki botol dan gemar berjudi
tetapi setiap kali kucing/anjing jalanan kurap/berdarah
pasti dia merawatnya

Sudut manusia bukan satu pandangan sahaja,
maka lihatlah mereka pada sisi lain juga

Tuhan tidak izin. Noktah

"Kalau Tuhan menginginkannya terjadi, maka sebuah kejadian pasti terjadi. Tidak peduli seluruh isi langit bumi bersekutu menggagalkannya.

Sebaliknya, jika Tuhan mengizinkannya, maka sebuah kejadian niscaya tidak akan terjadi. Tidak peduli seluruh isi langit bersekutu melaksanakannya"




Maka begitulah. Tuhan tidak mengizinkan rasa itu. Lalu aku padamkan rasa itu setahun yang lalu. Noktah disitu. Tiada lagi rasa. Kenapa harus diungkit. Tidak perlu menghina andai tidak suka.

Tuhan tidak izin.
Dan Tuhan telah menunjukkan aku jawapan.

The Merciful

As we planned, we must bear something in mind that not every plan that we have planned will be accomplished. Why? Because we are not independent being. We have creator who will always watch for us. If our plans would destroy ourselves, He won't let that plan happens. I'm trying to digest this idea as fluent as I write it. Of course I do understand this idea but sometimes I got away by my own feelings and emotions and could totally forget about this idea. How foolish I am.

But that's the nature of man. Forgetful. That's why there is concept which we call it "repent". Because we are forgetful being. We always forget that our Creator is the Almighty One, The One who control this universe, the One who plan our destiny. And who are we to deny that? We are always forget that the concept of mercy. He will forgive to those who repent. We are being blessed by his blessing and yes, our fate in the hereafter also will depends on his blessing. His kindness is beyond anything.

we must not lose hope as He never lose His hope towards His creatures. His blessing is wide. His door is widely open for us. That is why if we got astray, there is always a chance that He will guide us to Him back, right on the track.

Keep praying and have faith in Him.