#311219

When you invite a person into your mind, you allow them some reigns over your emotions.
I kind of... dislike that.
Because if you invite the wrong person, whether you want to or not, you will be hurt.
When you get close to someone, there bound to be fights, and I'm not fan of that.

I keep asking myself, how can I be sure that the person I let in won't hurt me?

And I realized something.
I don't.
It's a gamble we all have to take, initially.
I can't know unless I try.
But if I close myself off out of fear, then I'll never find what I need either.
If I am truly happy with just my own company, that's also fine.
But am I?

So, am I ready to take the step of re-opening myself up to another person?
and see if he's worth the risks?

#211219

Berbulan-bulan telah kita berdoa dan berusaha sehingga terkuras seluruh tenaga yang ada. Namun Tuhan masih belum beri apa yang kita minta. Lalu kita terus berputus asa, kecewa dan mula berburuk sangka. Kita fikir Tuhan tak sayang kita. Tuhan tak peduli dan tidak juga kasihan.

Seolah-olah kitalah yang lebih tahu baik buruknya sesuatu perkara dan keadaan. Seolah-olah doa kitalah yang paling mustajab untuk terus diperkenankan. Seolah-olah usaha kitalah yang paling jitu untuk segera diangkat ke sisi Tuhan.

Bukan berdoa itu juga satu bentuk kasih sayang Tuhan kepada kita? Bukankah setiap lafaz doa dan lintasan hati yang baik-baik itu semuanya berpahala? Semakin lama dan berterusan kita berdoa, maka semakin banyaklah juga catatan pahala sebagai bekalan untuk kita nanti di sana.

Semoga sifat ketidaksabaran tidak menjadi asbab Tuhan tinggalkan kita, walaupun hanya untuk sekelip mata lamanya.

#081219

A remembrance of an ache.
For the way things were, the things that were. Now, I don't even want to remember those things, who does? But I do remember the ache I used to get when I used to think of those things, those ways. When I miss those things, those ways. I haven't been good at letting go. Just once more, just the once. That flutter in my heart, the tightening of breath. But I know it'll never stop. When it's there, it'll be there. If I get it once, I'll want it again. Or I'll want the fantasy version of what I know I shouldn't repeat. The ache has gone, the memory remains. Nostalgia is one hell of a drug.