My depression journey

Aku berkira-kira sebenarnya, nak tulis ke tak pasal ni. Then my therapist said if it will benefit others, why not? So yeah, why not?

So, aku jatuh balik. Tanpa aku sedar depression aku datang balik. But thank God I realized it sooner, the symptoms.

On 2015, I was diagnosed having a mild depression. But this time, worst. It came with anxiety attack.
I was doing great on 2016, 2017 and the end of 2018 everything started again. The dark episode.

Macam mana depression aku boleh relapsed?
Well, depression is something that doesn't just go away. It's just there.
And you deal with it.
And you stay out of situations that are going to trigger it.
Unfortunately, this time I just couldn't handle the problems came to me.
Everything started to fall apart.
One after another.
And I stumbled again into darkness.
Along with the anxiety.
Worst experience ever.

I keep worrying, restless and couldn't sleep well at night. In fact, some nights I just couldn't sleep. And it caused me to feel irritate at everything. I feel pressured when I'm at my workplace, to meet people and when I have to do certain task because I'm starting losing my concentration. It was difficult for me to concentrate on something. And of course it affect my job and people around me. I feel bad :(
Things getting bad when I keep having headache and  I was sweating a lot, nausea, my hands couldn't stop shaking and there were times I having difficulty in breathing. I don't feel like to do anything,  yet feel so bad about it. I'm losing interest in almost everything.
At that time, I know something was wrong and decided to seek for help.

When you having depression and anxiety, you just couldn't handle it by your own. Because you will feel like to die.You think that die is better than bearing the suffering. It's real.

Lepas beberapa sesi aku dengan terapi aku rasa dah boleh bernafas sikit. Ada ruang untuk bernafas. Lebih tenang, anxiety did not attack me since then.
I guess I did well *pat on my head

Peranan orang sekeliling penting untuk tempoh healing.Aku sangat perlukan sokongan keluarga dan kawan-kawan, which is I am so thankful for this. They are all there for me.
Tried my best to avoid something that might trigger my anxiety.

Alhamdulilah, I'm getting better. My therapist suggest me to do something that could make me feel better. Writing.
Writing makes me feel better.
And some exercises.
They keep me sane.
And I do play games. Surprising, it does help me as well.

I'm writing this not for sympathy, but I want you to know that it's okay not to feel okay,
but it's not okay if you let it for too long without doing anything about it.
It will eat you inside.

If you feel that you are having those symptoms, please seek help.
Because you need it.

Sometimes, pain will lead us to the right and beautiful path.
Me? I'm on my way



p/s: I'm okay writing this doesn't mean I'm okay to talk about this. Writing is the easiest way for me to talk about my feelings. Do pray for me ;)